After months of false starts and broken promises, it was beginning to feel like this elusive ‘new’ set of emojis was never going to reach us. There were swiftly rebuffed rumours, penises, vaginas, and even the promise of an emoji movie – but no actual sign of updates on our phones.
Luckily though, the long-awaited day has finally come. As of yesterday, Apple has officially blessed us with 184 new emojis to add to our standard collection – and they include a middle finger, unicorn and an eye-roll face. Your desperate cries have been answered.
The new emoji wave is currently available for iPhone users, and can be downloaded with the latest iOS 9.1 update. However, if you're feeling a little overwhelmed by the idea of having nearly 200 new pictures to use in conversation – all of which you can view here – we've got some suggestions on how best to get stuck in.
THE ‘HUGGING’ FACE
This one has definitely got a lot more than ‘hugging’ on its horrible little mind. It's those sherry-flushed cheeks – and those hands. There's definitely some seriously dark, pervy intentions lurking behind those hands. I wouldn't use this if you're actually trying to comfort someone, or actually wanting to send out a genuine hug. Its only use should be for creeping out your enemies anonymously. Unless you are actually a sherry-flushed perv – then this can be your sweaty little spirit animal and you can go for your life.
Where do we even begin? There's just so much depth to this. For example, the next time you find yourself talking to your friend Caroline about how she's sleeping with her lecturer behind her boyfriend's back, you won't have to use words to express your disapproval. Just one glimpse of this baby, and she'll know exactly what you mean. It will be instantly recognisable, as it represents the very same web of LIES that she's been weaving for herself. You could even use this emoji if you're just getting stressed out by an actual, literal spiderweb somewhere. The possibilities are endless.
DOVE OF PEACE
So maybe you were a bit harsh with Caroline earlier. It's not her fault that she's fallen for her lecturer. Things are complicated sometimes, and now she's being a bit off with you. What's the best way to make it up to her? It can't be a phone call – we're way past that now – but it could be a dove. A dove of ~peace. You can thank me later.
Admittedly, this is a weird choice from Apple. It's not quite visible enough to work as a threat – if that's the sort of thing you're into – but it can't be used for all that much else. The only way you're going to really make use of it is if you're trying to express your condolences about a recent death – or maybe an upcoming funeral. It could also work nicely if you want to talk about cremation options, or your current afterlife plans. I guess.
MAN IN BUSINESS SUIT LEVITATING
Apparently this is some kind of statement on capitalism, but for me it calls to mind that really scary episode of Buffy. You know, where The Gentlemen stole everyone's voices, then flew around silently and ripped out their bodily organs. So, I guess you could probably use this emoji in reference to that? Like, if someone asks you what Buffy episode you're watching, or asks how murderous you're feeling that day. “Oh, you know, a bit (man in a business suit levitating) but I can hold off.”